Why I Hate Hindu

Have been wanting to write. But could not think of anything that was not threateningly personal to some people. And life has taught me that it makes sense to keep the bakar to myself. Finally, as I was reading this in the top stories section of a newspaper, something in me got as gleeful as it could have gotten.

I subscribe to The Hindu. The no-nonsense newspaper that reports only news worthy of "reporting". So there would be 2000 word articles on health legislation in US, decline of pluralist thought in France, hung parliament in Serbia and time based extrapolative effects of the bhootmange massacre. Heavy stuff, eh? Yes, I admit, I am the masochist of the newspaper world! But every once in a while you need to know if Jade Goody is in India or if Amitabh has a thing for Vidya Balan! It is for this noble reason that I go tap-tap today!

I have a confession to make. I am, for no evident reason, missing Delhi times (To a lesser extent, the Delhi edition of TOI too) today. Those insightful discussions on the glam world, the 3.5* rating for KANK and the delightful pictorial representation of all data. My favorite was the article just after the CSO (Central Statistical Organisation) had estimated that the GDP growth rate for a particular quarter was in excess of 9%. There was this accompanying graph interposed on photograph of a girl with a tantalizingly short skirt with the caption: "Rising Hemlines: GDP growth rates move northwards." I remember Dilip Padgaonkar (TOI, Editor in Chief) justifying this by "a newspaper needs to get the attention to the important news items. We encourage usage of visual aids, as research has proven their efficacy."

Alas! N Ram of Hindu never gets to see this research. The only photograph I cannot forget from last 3 years of uninterrupted Hindu subscription is that of a punctured skull of Veerappan! Sad sight it was. No wonder I prefer to borrow TOI from my neighbours for covering shelves etc. Hindu, the dork it is, never betrays the human penchant for chak-mak gossip. One of these days they would come-up with a small article on Shivaji. But that is about it. No stories on Rakhi Sawant (the one that got the puppy), Elizabeth Taylor-Arun Nayyar wedding, John Abraham being mistaken for Antonio Banderas etc. How can a self-respecting human being exist without all of these? TOI, HT and party have this wisdom and Hindu does not! Someone please tell the content team at Hindu about the embarrassing situation that I am in, when my more informed peer group gossips about the Akshay-Salman tiff over the over-friendliness of Akshay towards Katrina! One look, only one look at me, amidst that conversation would convince Ed. Ram to revamp the entire content management strategy! Remind me to photograph myself, next time it happens.

On a serious note, Hindu sucks at sports coverage. Wonder why they cannot get some of the sportstar people to write every once in a while. Baaki sab to thik hai!

What Is Wrong With Tendulkar?

Let me start of by sharing a few myths that threaten to occupy collective consciousness of cricket following populace.

"He is not a match winner any more"

"India has lost the game in most of Tendulkar's high scoring matches"

"Lara and Ganguly have won more matches for their country than Tendulkar"

"Most of his centuries have come against cricket minions"

"He is a burden on the team and we would rather someone else don the cap that he wears for India"

The operating word here is "myth" - so let me try and demystify Tendulkar's non-performance for you.

Just a look at his record and a comparison with the fellow 'greats' tells you that you are lucky to have seen him play.

Table : Top batsmen in One-day format

India has emerged victorious 29 times from the 41 centuries of Tendulkar.

The charge I hear most often is these days that SRT labors for runs. Incidentally, the records tell a different story. The time taken to reach 10K milestone by the so called more aggressive batsmen has been more. More surprise, the career strike rates of the so called quick scoring willow-men are lower as well. Amongst all the batsmen who have score more than 5000 one day runs, only Gilchrist and Jayasuriya have a higher strike rate. Even the ‘explosive’ Ponting has a lower strike rate. Tendulkar has also been a handy bowler with a 147 wicket haul to boast about. Anyway, I know I need not wax eloquent about what Tendlya is capable of, numbers speak for themselves.

Table: Matches taken to get to the 10,000 milestone

He is often charged of plundering runs against the minnows. Let us look at the record of centuries scored against Minor cricketing nations viz., Namibia, Kenya, UAE, Netherlands, Bangladesh and Zimbabwe (though I believe that the Zimbabwe team of Heath Streak with the flower brothers was a good team. Remember the 3-0 white wash of the English team in 1996!)

Table: Performance against Cricket Minions


Thus, a whopping 32 centuries of Tendulkar have come against the greater cricketing powers with 6 of them against Australia. Even at 32 centuries he stands taller than all the other top run getters in ODI cricket!

Is Tendulkar a match winner? We will figure that out from the following analysis.

Table: Match winning capability

Let me explain how this table works. The first two columns are 100s and 50s made for the match-winning side by the player. Here, we see that Ponting firing means almost a certain victory for his team as the Aussies have returned victors for 86% of(f) all the matches that Ponting has scores a 50/100. But to the surprise of many Tendulkar doubters, we do win most of the times when Tendulkar fires! (Though we might all want that number of 63% to be a tad higher)

But hey! Tendulkar compares poorly with the other greats here. Why? Cricket is a team game and very often victory (or loss) is a function of how the rest of the team performs. So lets move on to the second half of the table. ‘Team performance’ is the number of matches won from all the matches that the player has played. ‘Team Dependency’ is the ratio of matches where the player has ‘scored’ and ‘Team performance – Matches won’. This ratio conveys the dependency of the team on the player for winning a match.

So Inzy seems to be blessed with a team that is least dependent on him for winning a match, he has fired in only 28% of the matches that his team has won with he as a member of playing eleven. Ponting has a lower number than most others. But that was expected, Aussies are a fearsome lot on the greens with each of the playing eleven a potential match winner! They have won 67% of all the matches that Ponting has played for them.

And unexpectedly (!), Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar is the best that India has got! Though the above analysis shows that Lara (42%) is marginally better than Tendulkar (40%) when it comes to winning matches for the team, Tendulkar is undoubtedly better than anyone else! He has been instrumental to team victories 40% of the times the team has won which, as the table shows, is more than most ODI batting legends. On absolute numbers, he has won more matches for his team than anyone else.

And to answer the question that the title poses, NOTHING! Yes, he has had a miserable last year. But he looks in good nick! And every cricket fan in the country hopes (at least secretly) that Tendulkar sees us through in this world cup! After all, he is the highest run getter in the cup of all times. And in the matches that India has won, he has an average of about 80!

Table: World Cup Performance

With this last deluge of numbers, I sign-off. I think all the myths have been taken care of, except the first one. So, please to do a memory refresh, he was the Man-of-the-Series for the recently concluded ODI series with West Indies!

Yeh Desh Hai Veer Jawanon Ka!

The band broke into the tune of “Yeh desh hain Veer Jawanon ka” and I knew that we were close to Rambagh palace where the wedding was supposed to happen. It is a tune that never fails to amuse me especially because all the marriage bands play it at least thrice for every outing they get to make. A tried and tested number that makes that most bashful of aunties shake a leg or two! But the buzz is that kajrare is all set to dethrone it as the compulsive body shaker. In one my chit-chats with one of the uncles in one of the weddings, the topic under discussion was the inappropriateness of this song. Pat came the reply, “Arre if the jawan is not veer enough, how would he muster the courage to go through all this?”

Anyway, Bullbull was in no need for any courage, he had shown his intentions with his surprise item in the ladies Sangeet. Trusti matched him with Piya to-se naina which was as graceful as Waheeda’s actual rendition in Guide. I think all of us were awed by the well choreographed show put up by both the families. I for one was so stunned at a certain point that I could not clap. It was like watching something on TV! Finally we also ended on the dance floor and did some real mean jigs. One of the high points of the day was the trip to the railway station at 1:30 AM in the night. We did squeeze 7 people in a Wagon R. It still beats me how none of them complained! Tea was refreshing indeed. And I realized that I know more of Jaipur than I think I do!

Back to the baraat scene. It started raining. I saw a few aunties berating the groom for eating in Karahi (the belief is that it rains if the groom eats in a karahi. My mom tells me that it will rain many times over in my wedding, whenever it happens). All happened as planned. After the Jayamaal and the grub, we moved for the Pheras. The women, Tulli, Laika and Tanvir, retired for the day. Gori and Pee also gave up after a while (I seriously doubt if it was even a while!). Bhushan and I prevailed but if alternate reports are to be believed, I took sufficient power naps to be captured on camera multiple times!

Anyway, the Spice Jet flight proved to be an adventure in more than one ways. Apart from the rough take-off and landing that had my neighbour clutching the arm-rests and everything else, the experience was incredibly bad! The flight from Jaipur was just 3.5 hrs late and I almost missed my connecting flight (With Spice Jet again!). I could hardly believe my ears as I was told that Spice Jet is a point-to-point carrier and only 600 Rupees would be deducted for me missing the connecting flight! They charge you for all the inconvenience they cause you. It is your fault that you chose them in the first place. Anyway, as luck had it, the connecting flight was delayed as well. So after some confusion and a couple of “Last Call for Mr. Mehta” later, I managed to board the flight. On landing, Namma Bengaluru had the airs of a town that had a dawn to dusk bundh planned for its denizens the very next day. Perfect end to the perfect weekend! The only spoiler was the unavailability of bread at all the supermarkets. We will talk about that some other time. I think I will go download the song; it is still playing in my consciousness!

Late again!

I was late again. But this time it was something that I am never late for. I think I drove like a possessed person. It was almost like being late for JEE. Another reason why it was different is that the delay was due to a friend who believes that all late comers are inflicted by a deadly disease called prateekolytis. I was late for a Kailash Kher & Lucky Ali concert. I missed almost all the songs of Kailash. He was done with Diwani and other songs of Kailasa by the time we reached IIMB. All I got was Allah ke bande, Chak-de-fatte (Kholsa ka Ghosla) and Sanu ek Pal (Cover version of Nusrat's original). Vishy, I am not forgiving you for this for a long long time to come!

Lucky Ali was good as well. He did all his hits. He is not that great a performer on stage. But he manages the sweet raspy sound that has earned him fans across the globe(?). Kailash Kher seems to more at home on stage. Finally, had to settle for a few rounds of kailasa with some vodka thrown in for good measure. So, to all the people who read this, do invite me if Kailash performs at a location close to you. I think I will be willing to travel if need be!

Talking about music, there is something magical about the voice of Chinmayee! It is nothing short of magic when she starts off with "tere binaa chaand kaa sonaa khotaa re" in Tere bina of Guru. Another in-the-loop song on winamp! Another number that fascinates is "Maula mere maula" from Anwar. Roop Kumar Rathore does an amazing job with the vocals. At times, I feel that he is one of the most underutilized singers of bollywood. A new boy by the name of Mithoon is the music director. Apparently, he shares credits with Pritam (Gangster, Mere yaar ki shaadi fame) for Bas Ek Pal.

And on an unrealted note, watch Annie Hall. Based on a real life relationship between Woody Allen and Diane Keaton (Playing themselves in the movie), it talks about Anhedonia (a state of acute melancholia with an inability to experience pleasure and enjoy oneself) - a state that Woody is trapped in. Funny with a great comic timing, must watch! Dekh Lo...

Good work ESPN

ESPN is doing something really nice with PHL. The quality of the game is ok. Players still dribble a lot. Trapping is bad and passing patchy. But the speed and the uncertainty of the game of hockey is very much there. Businesses and touts do smell an opportunity here. So much so that the domain name www.phlhockey.com has been registered by some "Pylon hockey league." But ESPN got smart and registered it in a different name. The “Pile-on” was largely unsuccessful!

The coverage has stark similarities with the way NBA is covered. Players are profiled. Small interviews are shot and shown. Field incidents are covered in great detail. Doctors treating injured players give their opinion. Time-out conversations are shown. And the best part is that most of it is in Hindi! So you cannot help but feel the excitement when the Maratha Warriors coach tells Viren Rasquinha to "Ball lekar uske left side se nikal ja, wahan par reflex kharaab hai". You have to rejoice when Mukesh Kumar puts his fingers between his lips and whistles away to glory as Shakeel Abbasi manages to find the net.

However, the sad part is that the numbers in the stadium are miniscule. But it feels great to see the ball rolling under the flood lights. If only KPS Gill does something similar on the administration side of things! But that would be to expect too much from someone who is shamefully power hungry. We probably have the best team in years but all that talent seems to be destined to ignominy. Any hockey follower would have been weaned away from the game because of what Mr. Gill has been doing to Indian Hockey. If only Mani Shankar Aiyar (Minister of Sports and Youth Affaris) does something, i.e. get someone capable and passionate at the helm of affairs, we might get a chance to see what the present team is capable of!